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Blessed are the
parents who...
Blessed are those parents who make their peace with spilled milk
and mud, for of such is the kingdom of childhood.
Blessed are those parents who refuse to compare their children with
others, for precious unto each is the rhythm of his or her own
growth.
Blessed are those parents who have learned to laugh, for it is the
music of the child's world.
Blessed are those parents who understand the goodness of time, for
they make it not a sword that kills growth but a shield to guide
their children.
Blessed are those parents who can say "no" without anger, for
comforting to the child is the security of a firm decision.
Blessed are those parents who treat their children consistently, for
this makes children secure.
Blessed are those parents who accept the awkwardness of their
growing children, letting each child grow at his or her own speed.
Blessed are those parents who are teachable, for knowledge brings
understanding, and understanding brings love.
Blessed are those parents who love their children in the midst of a
hostile world, for love is the greatest of all gifts.
Blessed are those who read these words...but more blessed yet are
they who follow them!
The List That Saved My Marriage
What an inventory of my husband's shortcomings taught me
By Becky Zerbe
The day had come. I'd lasted as long as I could in my marriage. Once
my husband, Bill, left for work, I packed a bag for myself and our
14-month-old son and left our home. It was the only year in our married
life when we lived in the same town as my parents. Obviously the
convenience of being able to run to Mom and Dad made my decision to
leave Bill easier.
With a tear-stained, angry face, I walked into Mom's kitchen. She held
the baby while I sobbed my declaration of independence. A washcloth and
cup of coffee later, Mom told me she and Dad would help me. I was
comforted to know they'd be there for me.
"But before you leave Bill," she said, "I have one task for you to
complete."
Mom put down my sleeping son, took a sheet of paper and pen, and drew a
vertical line down the middle of the page. She told me to list in the
left column all the things Bill did that made him impossible to live
with. As I looked at the dividing line, I thought she'd then tell me to
list all his good qualities on the right hand side. I was determined to
have a longer list of bad qualities on the left. This is going to be
easy, I thought. My pen started immediately to scribble down the left
column.
Bill never picked his clothes off the floor. He never told me when he
was going outside. He slept in church. He had embarrassing, nasty habits
such as blowing his nose or belching at the dinner table. He never
bought me nice presents. He refused to match his clothes. He was tight
with money. He wouldn't help with the housework. He didn't talk with me.
The list went on and on until I'd filled the page. I certainly had more
than enough evidence to prove that no woman would be able to live with
this man.
Smugly I said, "Now I guess you're going to ask me to list all Bill's
good qualities on the right side."
"No," she said. "I already know Bill's good qualities. Instead, for each
item on the left side, I want you to write how you respond. What do you
do?"
This was even tougher than listing his good qualities. I'd been thinking
about Bill's few, good qualities I could list. I hadn't considered
thinking about myself. I knew Mom wasn't going to let me get by without
completing her assignment. So I had to start writing.
I'd pout, cry, and get angry. I'd be embarrassed to be with him. I'd act
like a "martyr." I'd wish I'd married someone else. I'd give him the
silent treatment. I'd feel I was too good for him. The list seemed
endless.
When I reached the bottom of the page, Mom picked up the paper and went
to the drawer. She took scissors and cut the paper down the vertical
line. Taking the left column, she wadded it in her hand and tossed it
into the trash. Then she handed me the right column.
"Becky," she said, "take this list back to your house. Spend today
reflecting on these things in your life. Pray about them. I'll keep the
baby until this afternoon. If you sincerely do what I ask and still want
to leave Bill, Dad and I will do all we can to assist you."
Facing facts
Leaving my luggage and son, I drove back to my house. When I sat on my
couch with the piece of paper, I couldn't believe what I was facing.
Without the balancing catalogue of Bill's annoying habits, the list
looked horrifying.
I saw a record of petty behaviors, shameful practices, and destructive
responses. I spent the next several hours asking God for forgiveness. I
requested strength, guidance, and wisdom in the changes I needed to
make. As I continued to pray, I realized how ridiculously I'd behaved. I
could barely remember the transgressions I'd written for Bill. How
absurd could I be? There was nothing immoral or horrible on that list.
I'd honestly been blessed with a good man—not a perfect one, but a good
one.
I thought back five years. I'd made a vow to Bill. I would love and
honor him in sickness and health. I'd be with him for better or for
worse. I said those words in the presence of God, my family, and
friends. Yet only this morning, I'd been ready to leave him for trivial
annoyances.
I jumped back in the car and drove to my parents' house. I marveled at
how different I felt from when I'd first made the trip to see Mom. I now
felt peace, relief, and gratitude.
When I picked up my son, I was dismayed by how willing I'd been to make
such a drastic change in his life. My pettiness almost cost him the
opportunity to be exposed daily to a wonderful father. Quickly, I
thanked my mother and flew out the door to return home. By the time Bill
returned from work, I was unpacked and waiting.
A new outlook
I'd love to say that Bill changed. He didn't. He still did all those
things that embarrassed and annoyed me, and made me want to explode.
The difference came in me. From that day forward, I had to be
responsible not only for my actions in our marriage, but also for my
reactions.
I think back to one of the items: Bill slept in church. The minute he
began to doze always marked the end of my worship time.
So often I thought he was rudely uninterested in the message—and my dad
was the preacher! It didn't matter that Bill was unable to stay awake
any time he sat for a longer period. The entire time he spent nodding, I
spent fuming. I'd squirm in the pew, feeling humiliated. I'd wonder why
I ever married this man. I knew he didn't deserve a wife as godly as I
was.
Yet now I could see myself as I truly was. My pride was hampering a
valuable portion of my life—my worship. This problem wasn't Bill's; it
was mine. When Bill fell asleep in church, I began to bathe that time in
gratitude and prayer. I took my eyes off Bill and myself and looked to
God. Instead of leaving the services in anger, I left in joy.
It wasn't long before Bill noticed a difference. He remarked at lunch
one Sunday, "You seem to be enjoying the services more lately. I was
beginning to think you didn't like the preacher." My immediate instinct
was to explain how he'd ruined so many services for me. But instead, I
accepted his statement without defense.
"I got us into this
problem so I can get us out, right?"
Encouragement for your marriage is found when you read
Ephesians 5:33 (NKJV):
"Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as
himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
In this scripture you see a clear command by God to love and respect one
another in marriage. It certainly is promising. But what happens if you
develop problems of respect and love in your marriage. What happens if
your marriage doesn't seem to be following the exact line the Bible says
it should? What do you do when things aren't-for whatever
reason-following God's plan for a successful marriage?
Well, the easy answer is you go out and get help. That doesn't mean you
let the entire neighborhood know about your business. You also shouldn't
create contention by letting your in-laws have a say in your marriage
decisions. What getting help means is that whether it's a pastor, a
counselor, or an objective mentor, you should seek Scripturally-based
counsel in a struggling marriage. It is the only way you can overcome
such close and personal problems.
But, what if your ability to get help is hampered by a spouse who does
not want to get outside help? The anxieties and struggles that are in a
marriage will only get worse when couples deny that they need help
because they want to save face or think their marriage is different than
other people's marriages.
You mean my marriage isn't different? That's exactly right. In fact, not
only is your marriage not different, it is more similar to other
marriages in God's eyes than you might think.
You can't "go it alone" if things get serious...
One of the biggest errors Christian couples can make is to they think
their marriage is different. Add on top of that the fact that the
mistake is usually a culmination of several different smaller
mistakes-several different factors-all rolled into one big developing
problem, and you've got a serious storm brewing.
The mentality of "I got us into this problem, I can get us out" is
detrimental to the most earnest attempts at fixing your problems. It's a
damaging approach that will trip you up. The simple fact is that you
shouldn't, you can't, go it alone if things get serious and expect to
have any kind of positive lasting marriage.
How "Selfless Sexuality" Can Revive
Your Love Life - For A Lifetime!
This is from a Christian counselor
-Sumner
In my last e-mail to you, I quickly revealed who should be the sexual
boss in your relationship...no one! You are to both take the lead in
solving any problems that exist in your sex life - working together in
mutual respect and deference for each other. That's exactly what the
Bible means when it tells married couples to "submit to one another out
of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
You and I also discovered the first of two major areas of struggle for a
husband and wife sexually: the absence of communication with each other
about what causes you to feel fulfilled sexually. We agreed that you
need to prioritize regularly and honestly communicating to your spouse
what he or she can do to help you feel affection from them that will, in
turn, lead to you receiving, and giving, sexual fulfillment.
Today, you and I are going to tackle problem #2...and it's a doozy!
We're talking about specific sexual acts that your spouse desires but
you don't feel comfortable doing. I hear this all the time - and it
usually comes from the wife:
- "He wants me to do (that) because he says his friend's wife
does..."
- "He'd like me to wear that because he says it turns him on, but
I don't like the way it makes me look or feel!"
- "He believes it's normal to do (that) because he saw it in a
movie or pornography..."
Here's the way I see it. I believe the Word of God gives you real
liberty sexually in marriage, but the Bible also says this:
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the
interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).
I've been very clear in telling listeners to Parent Talk OnCall that if
you're interested in a certain kind of expression sexually...but your
spouse is not in agreement or doesn't feel comfortable with it...you
never force it. You always adjust your desires and expectations - to
bring your sexual expression within what brings your spouse pleasure and
a sense of closeness. Sex is not to be a selfish act. It's a giving act.
Remember this today. Your sexual relationship will be at its best when
you focus on your spouse's needs and not on your own. It's not about the
pleasure you get, but what you give that brings true satisfaction. Look
at this passage from Song of Songs 7:10-13:
"I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me. Come, my lover, let us
go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages. Let us go
early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their
blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom - and there I
will give you my love. The mandrakes send out their fragrance, and at
our door are every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for
you, my lover."
Notice the phrases "his desire is for me" and "that I have stored up for
you." First his desire, and then hers, is described as focused on the
other. Song of Songs is filled with amorous imagery like this in which
one lover expressively affirms the other and anticipates the pleasures
they will enjoy together.
Make this type of "selfless sexuality" your goal! Again, communication
is a key. Ask your spouse what it is that you do that brings them
enjoyment and, even more, makes them feel the most loved during sex.
Then, clearly identify what it is each of you feel uncomfortable doing
and agree to respect those boundaries.
Your sex life does not have to be like anyone else's, nor does it have
to be like what you see falsely portrayed in movies (or have seen in the
past in pornography). Your sex life as a couple is your own - so make it
unique between you and your spouse, and you'll be able to truly say, "I
belong to my lover" in a way that will bring lifelong fulfillment and
loving intimacy.
Discover What Makes Your Spouse Tick...
Sexually
I know there are many couples that never talk about sex before they
get married - but I'd never heard anything quite like this.
The man called the radio program to say he and his wife were having huge
marital problems. I asked when it was that the difficulties began...and
he responded without hesitation, "On my wedding night - when she
announced that we could never have sex!"
Apparently, the wife had a medical condition that prevented her from
having sexual relations...but she never mentioned it to him. In fact,
they'd never had one single discussion about sexuality. He said he felt
like a victim of "bait and switch," and in a very intimate and personal
way, he was.
Now, the challenges in your sex life today are likely not quite as
dramatic. But you do know things aren't what you feel they should be in
the bedroom. You want someone to take charge of that matter and make
things right...to remove the hindrances, get rid of the frustration. And
you wonder just who it should be: you or your spouse?
The answer is neither. No one is to be the "boss" in the bedroom.
Instead, you are both to take the lead in solving the problems -
together - in mutual respect and deference for each other. That's at the
very foundation of the statement that begins the Biblical mandate for
married couples in Ephesians 5:21-33: "Submit to one another out of
reverence for Christ."
Let's look at a pair of significant areas where most couples struggle in
their sexual relationship...and explore how you can work as a loving
team to address them.
The second area - specific sexual acts that your spouse desires but you
don't feel comfortable doing - will be covered in my next
post to you. Right now, though, let's take a
moment and cover the first area, which is the absence of communication
with each other about what causes you to feel fulfilled in your
sexuality.
Do you talk to each other about what makes you tick sexually? Most
couples don't. Rather, they operate on assumptions that are usually
flawed and almost always result in disappointment. Generally speaking,
here are the facts:
- Your wife needs the emotional to get physical. She must be led
into the sexual act through genuine feelings of affection and
appreciation from you. One man said, "Randy, I've learned that if I
want a satisfying sexual relationship with my wife, I need to be
affectionate with her outside the bedroom."
- Your husband needs the physical to get emotional. He needs the
act of sex to feel emotionally connected with you. A woman once told
me, "Sex to my husband is safety, conversation, closeness, oneness,
intimacy and affection all wrapped up into one package. After we
have sex, he thinks everything is okay again."
Again, remember that these are generalities. They may not be
necessarily true of your husband or wife. So the key is to regularly and
honestly communicate to your spouse what he or she can do to help you
feel affection from them that will, in turn, lead to you receiving, and
giving, sexual fulfillment.
Prioritize these discussions. Don't brush them aside. And here's an
added point: if you don't have good communication outside the bedroom
about other issues, it will be very hard to have good communication
about sex in the bedroom. So start talking to one another. Agree to be
vulnerable. Work together...and your sex life will start to thrive!
By a Christian professional counselor
You Should Probably
Not Get Married If...
"Those who marry will face many troubles in
this life, and I want to spare you this." - 1
Corinthians 7:28b
Can you imagine this passage of Scripture quoted as part of a wedding
ceremony? The Apostle Paul's realistic take on marriage smacks against
the romantic ideal of "love at first sight" and, even more, the belief
that wedlock will bring perpetual bliss. But Paul's opinion on marriage
(not surprisingly, Paul chose to remain single) does spotlight a truth
that couples cannot afford to ignore - whether they're contemplating
getting married, are already engaged, or have been wed for years.
Being a husband or wife is not easy. More specific, marriage will, at
times, bring great difficulty. Divorce remains prevalent because many
couples do not realize this, so when trouble comes, they give up too
soon, hurt and disillusioned as their definition of what a marriage
should be becomes shattered.
I don't want that to happen to you. Therefore, I put together this
unusual list, and even did an entire radio program on this topic - the
Seven Reasons Not to Get Married - to give you the reality check you
need to go into marriage, or continue onward in your existing marriage,
with your eyes wide open. Consider each one carefully and honestly.
You should probably not get married if...
1. You are unwilling to put the needs of another person above your
own
Romans 12:10 says, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor
one another above yourselves." In the Greek, "devoted" is defined in
this verse as reciprocal tenderness, while "honor" is identified as
showing deference to another person. How often are these characteristics
apparent in how you behave toward your fiancé or spouse?
2. You are easily offended, carry grudges and are unwilling to
forgive
An overly sensitive, vengeful or calloused attitude has no place in any
relationship, especially a marriage. The Bible gives you the challenging
yet correct standard: "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians
3:13b).
3. You are an abusive person (mentally, emotionally, physically)
Author and domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft finds that abusers -
who, by the way, are primarily men but also include women - abuse for a
variety of reasons, including a need for power and control, finding
someone to blame for their problems, and wanting to be the center of
attention. Do you see yourself anywhere in these attributes?
4. You do not share the same beliefs, values, life priorities or
vision
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to
his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Oneness is
essential in marriage, and its foundation is built on these
characteristics.
5. You have an unresolved addiction problem
"Like a city whose walls are broken down," Proverbs 25:28 says, "is a
man who lacks self-control." The Web site Addictions.org lists a variety
of harmful addictions affecting millions of people, including addictions
to sex, shopping, sleeping, people pleasing, perfectionism, pornography,
and overworking. Each will undermine a marriage if ignored.
6. Your career is the most important thing in your life
Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain
conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Selfish ambition is interpreted in the Greek as "a desire to put one's
self forward, a partisan and fractious spirit," while vain conceit is
identified as "groundless, empty pride." Examine how your profession
shapes who you are. Does it bring out these traits in you?
7. You are unwilling to be an active sexual partner with your spouse
As a couple, read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. The Bible speaks directly to this
vital issue; verse 3 is clear: "The husband should fulfill his marital
duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." There's no room
in a healthy marriage for sexual games, and an active sexual
relationship works to ward off temptation to sin.
Don't be discouraged if you struggle with any of the above reasons. A
quality marriage is not defined as one that's perfect. But do yourself,
and your future or current spouse, a favor by committing to change or
grow stronger individually in each area. You won't regret it, and will
be able to face and overcome the "troubles" of marriage with unity and
in God's power.
"Travel" for a
Closer Marriage
Inmate Mitchell King had a visitor - his wife. King was serving a
six-year jail term in Auckland, New Zealand for armed robbery. But his
wife didn't want to be away from him for that long. So they held hands.
And they stuck. She'd rubbed her palms with Super Glue.
Their new-found closeness was short-lived. And their separation painful.
Her technique is not one I'd recommend for a closer relationship.
But if you want more closeness; if you desire relationships that are
deeper and broader, more meaningful and longer-lasting, then remember
the word "travel."
T is for TRUST. Trust is the glue that holds people together (not
Super Glue). A relationship will go nowhere without it.
R is for RESPECT. "Do not save your loving speeches for your
friends till they are dead; do not write them on their tombstones, speak
them rather now instead," writes Anna Cummins. It's about respecting
others and letting them know that you value them.
A is for AFFECTION. Sometimes affection means love. Sometimes it
means a touch. Always it means kindness.
V is for VULNERABILITY. Though we may feel afraid to let another
too close, no relationship will go anywhere without risking
vulnerability. Entrepreneur Jim Rohn says, "The walls we build around us
to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy." And the love.
E is for EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. Learn to be open. Learn to
communicate freely. What kinds of relationships you make are largely
determined by how openly you have learned to communicate.
L is for LAUGHTER. Victor Borge got it right when he said,
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." It's also the
most enjoyable.
For relationships that can really go somewhere, just remember the word
"travel." Then enjoy the trip!
You can't "Go It
Alone" if things get serious
Ephesians 5:33 (NKJV): "Nevertheless
let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and
let the wife see that she respects her husband."
In this scripture you see a clear command by God to love and respect one
another in marriage. It certainly is promising. But what happens if you
develop problems of respect and love in your marriage. What happens if
your marriage doesn't seem to be following the exact line the Bible says
it should? What do you do when things aren't,
for whatever reason, following God's plan for
a successful marriage?
Well, the easy answer is you go out and get help. That doesn't mean you
let the entire neighborhood know about your business. You also shouldn't
create contention by letting your in-laws have a say in your marriage
decisions. What getting help means is that whether it's a pastor, a
counselor, or an objective mentor, you should seek Scripturally-based
counsel in a struggling marriage. It is the only way you can overcome
such close and personal problems.
But, what if your ability to get help is hampered by a spouse who does
not want to get outside help? The anxieties and struggles that are in a
marriage will only get worse when couples deny that they need help
because they want to save face or think their marriage is different than
other people's marriages.
You mean my marriage isn't different? That's exactly right. In fact, not
only is your marriage not different, it is more similar to other
marriages in God's eyes than you might think.
You can't "go it alone" if things get serious...
One of the biggest errors Christian couples can make is to they think
their marriage is different. Add on top of that the fact that the
mistake is usually a culmination of several different smaller
mistakes-several different factors-all rolled into one big developing
problem, and you've got a serious storm brewing.
The mentality of "I got us into this problem, I can get us out" is
detrimental to the most earnest attempts at fixing your problems. It's a
damaging approach that will trip you up. The simple fact is that you
shouldn't, you can't, go it alone if things get serious and expect to
have any kind of positive lasting marriage...
"... joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth more than
over ninety and nine just persons which need no repentance" Lk 15:7.
Therefore "Preach the gospel to every person" Mk 16:15. "How Christ died
for our sins, (paid the debt in full) was buried and rose again and was
seen by hundreds" 1 Cor 15:1-4. But though we are an angel from heaven
preach any other gospel unto you, let him be accursed" Gal 1:8. Make
sense? Have you believed and received Jesus? Do
it now.
Three
Myths That Can Hurt Your Marriage
Dangerous Myth #1: It's Only Going to
Get Better After the Wedding
Couples tend to think that marriage itself is the key to solving their
problems. They think once they're married all their difficulties are
going to go away. Unfortunately, I have bad news for you…
The opposite is usually true!
Did you know that regardless if you are Christian or not, research shows
that there is a significant decrease in marital satisfaction following
the initial euphoria of the wedding day? Not only that…
Most problems that lead to divorce will appear within the first two
months of a marriage union. The day of the wedding is usually the
highest point of marital satisfaction, and satisfaction generally heads
downhill after that…unless you commit to real effort—in the right way—to
creating more satisfaction
Couples must develop a realistic view about the significant amount of
baggage they bring to a marriage. They cannot ignore their in-laws,
their fears, their doubts…
While marriage can get better…it is only going to do so if couples
diligently work at making it better
Here's why myth #3 can destroy your marriage…
When you have an unrealistic view of marriage, you don't work at making
it better from the beginning. As a result, dissatisfaction increases.
Sometimes, you don't even know what hit you until it is TOO LATE
Dangerous Myth # 2: If We Aren't Fighting
Everything is Okay
A big red flag that goes up in a marriage is when everything seems okay
because there is no arguing. The truth of the matter is that there can
be real danger lurking in the apparently calm waters.
People tend to avoid arguments because they think it is better to avoid
confrontation. As a result, some of the most damaging relationships are
those that are silent.
Marriages that are in a routine, where there are no bumps and everything
seems perfectly fine can be misleading. They can be indicative of
something being suppressed, simmering beneath the surface…
The best marriages are those where couples feel comfortable enough to
get stuff out on the table and discuss problems, argue or disagree and
then resolve the issues. In other words, the best marriages are those
where communication, even about the difficult issues, is prevalent.
In the end, the danger about Myth #2 is:
If you mistake routine for satisfaction…if you think you are okay as
long as you aren't fighting, you are potentially setting your marriage
up for failure
The myths you have seen so far are real dangers and potential threats to
any marriage, but…what if there was a truly easy way to counteract those
myths? Could that method improve or help your marriage?
Well, before I show HOW to develop real protection against these myths
let's continue on to…
Dangerous Myth #1: Talking and Listening
Are the Same Thing
You can easily talk with your wife or husband about what is in the mail…
you can talk about how the kids are doing… about work, dinner, what
you're going to watch tonight on the television.
And because you're doing all this talking you think, "Hey, we
communicate a lot."
But it's NOT TRUE is it? I think you probably already know this one…
Why?
Because when you just talk about superficial things you miss the truly
meaningful thoughts your spouse wants to talk about. Real questions
aren't being answered. Questions like…
How does she really feel about you?
What are the hopes she has?
What kind of dreams about the future does he have?
What kind of desires do you have?
Just because there is a lot of talking going on doesn't mean that there
is a lot of understanding going on.
Of course, when you get down to it…
Thinking you're beyond help may be the worst myth of all.
Dr. Randy Carlson
Those who marry will face many troubles
in this life,
and I want to spare you this
1 Corinthians 7:28b
Can you imagine this passage of Scripture quoted as part of a wedding
ceremony? The Apostle Paul's realistic take on marriage smacks against
the romantic ideal of "love at first sight" and, even more, the belief
that wedlock will bring perpetual bliss. But Paul's opinion on marriage
(not surprisingly, Paul chose to remain single) does spotlight a truth
that couples cannot afford to ignore - whether they're contemplating
getting married, are already engaged, or have been wed for years.
Being a husband or wife is not easy. More specific, marriage will, at
times, bring great difficulty. Divorce remains prevalent because many
couples do not realize this, so when trouble comes, they give up too
soon, hurt and disillusioned as their definition of what a marriage
should be becomes shattered.
I don't want that to happen to you. Therefore, I put together this
unusual list, and even did an entire radio program on this topic - the
Seven Reasons Not to Get Married - to give you the reality check you
need to go into marriage, or continue onward in your existing marriage,
with your eyes wide open. Consider each one carefully and honestly.
You should probably not get married if...
1. You are unwilling to put the needs of another person above your own
Romans 12:10 says, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor
one another above yourselves." In the Greek, "devoted" is defined in
this verse as reciprocal tenderness, while "honor" is identified as
showing deference to another person. How often are these characteristics
apparent in how you behave toward your fiancé or spouse?
2. You are easily offended, carry grudges and are unwilling to
forgive
An overly sensitive, vengeful or calloused attitude has no place in any
relationship, especially a marriage. The Bible gives you the challenging
yet correct standard: "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians
3:13b).
3. You are an abusive person (mentally, emotionally, physically)
Author and domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft finds that abusers -
who, by the way, are primarily men but also include women - abuse for a
variety of reasons, including a need for power and control, finding
someone to blame for their problems, and wanting to be the center of
attention. Do you see yourself anywhere in these attributes?
4. You do not share the same beliefs, values, life priorities or
vision
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to
his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Oneness is
essential in marriage, and its foundation is built on these
characteristics.
5. You have an unresolved addiction problem
"Like a city whose walls are broken down," Proverbs 25:28 says, "is a
man who lacks self-control." The Web site Addictions.org lists a variety
of harmful addictions affecting millions of people, including addictions
to sex, shopping, sleeping, people pleasing, perfectionism, pornography,
and overworking. Each will undermine a marriage if ignored.
6. Your career is the most important thing in your life
Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain
conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Selfish ambition is interpreted in the Greek as "a desire to put one's
self forward, a partisan and fractious spirit," while vain conceit is
identified as "groundless, empty pride." Examine how your profession
shapes who you are. Does it bring out these traits in you?
7. You are unwilling to be an active sexual partner with your spouse
As a couple, read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. The Bible speaks directly to this
vital issue; verse 3 is clear: "The husband should fulfill his marital
duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." There's no room
in a healthy marriage for sexual games, and an active sexual
relationship works to ward off temptation to sin.
Don't be discouraged if you struggle with any of the above reasons. A
quality marriage is not defined as one that's perfect. But do yourself,
and your future or current spouse, a favor by committing to change or
grow stronger individually in each area. You won't regret it, and will
be able to face and overcome the "troubles" of marriage with unity and
in God's power... |
